i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
