whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
