I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
