a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
