My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
