I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
This house was built for laser tag.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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