There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
