i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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