I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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