I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
