Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Did I show you my penis last night?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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