Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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