and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
