i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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