Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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