Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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