I just made out with a guy for $7.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Randomize
