Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
