Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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