I must be too annoying 4 u.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
