So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
