he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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