I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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