and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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