All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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