just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
this is an emotional support booty call
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
