I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
She even gives head with a lisp.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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