guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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