I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Found your dick twin last night
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
