Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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