farters have to be the big spoon...
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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