Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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