theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
