Duck Duck Cougar?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
