I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
