She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
