i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
