Apparently you make a good broom.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I AM VODKA MAN
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
