I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
