I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
