How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
