that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
