she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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