Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
