im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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