I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
