I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
