Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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