I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
