listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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